20,000 Mistakes Later -And One Silent Promise

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve had the chance to capture some thoughts and journal my journey. It’s been a jammed pack couple of months – but – I owed you, dear reader…and myself…a follow-up to the questions I posed a year ago:

https://www.brianwarbuckle.com/post/what-s-next

I thought I’d have these great revelations and insights as the year went by and I had the chance to peel that onion back – but the insights came from an unexpected place: Colin’s own journey. And as we are about to embark on year # 2 – it’s time to uncover some answers.

I’ve watched Colin charge into college – not fearless – but with courage. Afterall, there can be no courage without fear. He has continued to be his own advocate. He has found and developed a community. Gotten involved. Re-started the Statistics club. Joined an internship with Mizzou athletics. And academically? Kicked ass. He, unlike me, did not have to call home and warn his parents about his grade card (that’s a story for another time).

It's in these moments that I get a glimpse into the answers I sought. That, perhaps yes…I contributed just enough to lay the foundation for him to have a good life. I’m not interested in his success (though, I do wish and hope for it) nor his GPA…but a good life. An authentic life. One lived on his terms where he can be happy and satisfied. Grounded and cared for. And I’m seeing sparks of that developing day-by-day.

I’ve often joked that Colin is my clone – my ‘spare parts’ – but the reality is, I never wanted him to be me. In fact, I often told him “don’t be me, be better.” He viewed it as pressure; I viewed it as opportunity. Learn from my mistakes and avoid them.

Becoming a parent introduces you to a scary, but universal truth: our parents (and we, ourselves when we become parents) are merely the same screwed up individuals we were before becoming parents...just doing our best for our kids. When your kid shows up, there’s no magic lightning bolt that descends upon you, bestowing all the parenting wisdom you need. You’re the same you – but now with this awesome & overwhelming responsibility in front of you.

And so, it’s been trial and error – emphasis on error….for 18 years and counting. In fact, the way I see it…let’s say I only made three (3) mistakes a day during Colin’s childhood. At 18, with 365 days a year and 3 mistakes a day…that’s just shy of 20,000 mistakes and errors I’ve made in this parenting journey.

On the low end.

And yet, each morning I wake up…I look into his eyes and I make a silent promise to him and the universe: “Today, I will strive to be better for you.”

If I were to give you the most complicated math problem you’ve ever seen, and you had to wake up every day trying to solve it…what day would you quit? Day 10? Day 100? Yet we as parents…even after days, weeks and months of failings…wake up, and try again. Day after day.

The day you become a parent, you won’t be filled with universal truths to manage each stage of parenting. You will have days where you stare in the mirror and ask yourself what the hell you’re doing. There will be times you stare at your child thinking ‘who thought it was ever a good idea to put me in charge of this child unsupervised?’ You will be baffled. You will be mystified. You will feel defeated.

So, to those of you with young ones (or not so young ones)…I see you. There will be days you wake up and you feel like a failure as a spouse, a parent, a worker, a friend…a human. You see all these other parents on social media ‘killing it’…making it look effortless. Meanwhile, you’re in the school drop-off line in the morning thinking that you’re pretty sure you forgot to put on deodorant today.

Instead of seeing these moments as failure, perhaps view it as opportunity: opportunity to show your kids the meaning of getting back up. To show them what it’s like to have that quiet courage that doesn’t roar like a lion…but whispers each morning “today, I will strive to be better.”

A year ago, I questioned if I was a good enough dad….I still don't know that I have "the" answer to that question yet. But as I reflect, I wonder if that was ever the mission? I wonder if that was ever the real goal?  Now that the job is winding down…I wonder if the job was always about him seeing me simply try. See me fail. See me figure it out one misstep at a time. And see me getting back up.

Because he too will fail. He too will fall. And he too will have to pick himself up. If I were ‘perfect’ and sanitized…how would he know it’s OK to fail? OK to pick himself back up? OK to not have all the ‘perfect’ answers?

A teacher introduced me to this poem in high school – I’ve shared it before, but I’ve usually only shared the last part. I want to share it in its entirety:

This is this quiet whisper of defiance against failure - against doubt – against fear - that we need as spouses, parents, friends…humans…this is the kind of courage we need to wake up each morning and stive to be better than yesterday. It is messy. It is littered with failure, regrets, doubts and misgivings. But it is also the kind of courage that is real. Authentic. Relatable.

So here we are, dear reader…one year after Colin went off to college. One year after I posed questions to myself. One year wondering – was I a good father. And also days away from sending him off to Year # 2. And, like I suggested above…I don’t know that there is “AN” answer to my question. I don’t know if there is a definitive metric or score card that will ever leave me satisfied with the results.

I think, however, I’ve landed on this - if I am to judge or be judged on my job as a father – I would like it to be on this consideration:

Every morning, I wake up, look at Colin and I think: “Today, I’ll strive to be better….for you.”

I don't know if there's a much better gift we can give to another person than that. A promise to try and be better.

So. Here we are. Maybe I wasn’t a perfect dad. But if I taught Colin how to get back up, how to keep trying, and how to live authentically on his own terms… then maybe, just maybe, I’ve done the job that mattered most. If he strives each day, to be better than he was the day before...then maybe I can put this question of "was I good enough" to rest.

In my blog post a year ago, I quoted the Hamilton lyric from One Last Time, so it’s only fitting to close with another: