Freshman

Empathy. This word has been on my mind a lot the last few years. We, as a society, seemingly now view empathy as a weakness. Tolerance, has become a dirty word. And compassion? We only give that to those whom we deem ‘deserving’ of it. “Woke” is the cleaver word-du-jour for those whom display empathy, tolerance and kindness.

This attitude is especially startling as much of it is coming from those who view themselves as religious or spiritual; they find themselves at church on Sunday and hear messages of ‘love your neighbors as yourself’ and on Monday call those neighbors every ugly word under the sun. They listen to stories in Sunday School about turning the other cheek – and then justify their lashing out at others by stating: ‘they started it.’

We’re so desperate to be the right-est. The most upstanding. The most patriotic. The ends justify the means for so many of us. And so, we invent windmills, call them dragons…all so we have a villain in our we’re-the-hero-story.

Which leads me to one of my darkest confessions about my own lack of empathy, kindness and compassion and the crushing weight that came along with it. As my son winds down his Freshman year…I’m forced to revisit the end of my Freshman year.

In 1996, The Verve released the song Freshman – and I entered Mizzou in 1996 as a Freshman. I have a hard time listening to this song – and you’re about to read why.

“When I was young and knew everything…”

I joined the Missouri Student Association (MSA) – Mizzou’s student council – and met many wonderful people in that group. One of them being “Jane*” (*out of respect to her friends and family, I’m purposely not including her real name; I don’t want to dig up old wounds). Jane was warm. Kind. Shy and…like many of us Freshmen, a little awkward. But in an endearing kind of way.

“For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise…”

But Jane had a fatal flaw in her character…she ‘liked’ me. For reasons I’m still not sure of to this day – she decided to take a risk and engage with me in conversation and in asking me on a date. Several times.

Jane was wonderful – but – I didn’t feel the same connection. And, at that age, I was deficient in so many terrible ways. I was dismissive of Jane’s advances. Sometimes in unkind ways; whether it was brushing her off or outright ignoring her. I lacked compassion. Kindness. Empathy.

Here was another human being who thought enough of me to risk her confidence, getting her ego bruised…to talk to me. I’m not saying we have to say ‘yes’ to everyone that finds us interesting, but we do owe them consideration, kindness and empathy. We owe them gentleness and respect. We owe them dignity.

“We tried to wash our hands of all of this

We never talk of our lacking relationships

And how we're guilt-stricken, sobbin', with our heads on the floor

We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say…”

Our freshman year came to a close and I headed back home. A few weeks later, my friend Dave called to tell me – Jane was driving home after finals. She fell asleep at the wheel.

And never woke up.

“For the life of me, I cannot believe

We'd ever die for these sins, we were merely freshmen”

We have so much arrogance. We think we’re entitled to more time; time to make it right.

Time to seek forgiveness. Time to forgive. And so much arrogance in thinking we’re entitled to be forgiven. Entitled to burn bridges for the sake of our pride; that we can do whatever to whomever as long as it serves our “rightest” opinions. We pound our chests about what great “moral” people we are – and we will burn anyone to the ground who doesn’t believe the same way we believe – all in order to prove that our way is the best way.

We’re so brave on social media. So bold. So quick to degrade others.

I’d love to say I immediately learned from my tragic mistake – I’d love to say that not being able to apologize and make it right with Jane has prevented me from repeating this awful behavior. It didn’t; at least not immediately. I’ve made similar, though somewhat-less horrible mistakes. And, thankfully, with far less frequency.

And I’m also incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people far, far better than me; people who didn’t give up on me. And don’t give up on me. They admonish me. Encourage me. And call out my poor behavior…and over time, I have made these mistakes less and less.

“Now I'm guilt-stricken, sobbin', with my head on the floor

Stoppin' baby's breath and a shoe full of rice, now”

I’ve whispered “I’m sorry” a thousand times up into to the stars in hopes that she can hear me; in hopes that the universe will forgive me. And I’ll probably whisper it a thousand times more.

We have to do better. This weight – this burden of guilt – it’s heavy. I’m nearly 30 years removed from this moment in time…and I’m still ashamed. Yes, I was just an 18-year-old kid with so, so much to learn. But also old enough to know far better.

Writing this was long overdue. I’ve hid from this; my own pride and ego keeping this skeleton in the farthest and darkest parts. I have shared it with Marly and Colin – with Colin in hopes that he learns from one of my most painful mistakes. And with Marly because she is one of those ‘better people’ in my life that demands I be better. My friend Dave knows – though, he likely doesn’t know that I still carry this weight. But I have kept this to myself for a long, long time.

So why share it now? I’m not seeking absolution from those of you who read this. I don’t need kind platitudes. But, I share it so I can beg you: Don’t do the same. Don’t discard your empathy, your compassion and kindness for any reason; least of all, just for the sake of being ‘right.’ No matter how just you believe your cause to be.

Giving up that part of our humanity so we can brag about “owning” someone - is never the worthwhile exchange we think it to be. And sometimes…well, sometimes you may not get the opportunity to make it right.

You may not care about what other people think; you may think it’s acceptable to burn bridges for the sake of your crusade…that’s fine. But at some point in your life, you’re going to reflect on the sum of your actions and the impact of your words. You’ll think about the pain you’ve inflected.

And that weight is going to be so much heavier than you think. You too, may find yourself staring up into the stars…whispering “I’m sorry.” And realizing - it’s too late for forgiveness.

“We were merely Freshman…”